If you plan it, they will come

(Laura’s note: This post originally ran at Vanderhacks, my Substack newsletter. To subscribe, please go here.)

Humans have a natural sense of fairness. We expect relationships to be reciprocal. And often they are!

But it’s important to recognized that different people bring different things to a relationship. Some people are good at planning and organizing. Some people are not. If you do have skills in the planning and organizing areas (and if you are reading a productivity blog, I am guessing you do) then most likely you will need to take the lead on planning most get-togethers with family and friends. Stop worrying about whether you’ve planned the last get-together or even the last several. Making your peace with this idea that if you plan it, they will come, vastly increases the chances that all of you enjoy yourselves more.

It’s OK to be the planner

As people think about what they’d like to spend more time doing, many mention wanting to see family and friends more often. For good reason — time spent with loved ones is about the most pleasant time there is! But the question is how to make this happen. I heard from a reader recently who had a realization that while she truly did believe her extended family wanted to see her, they were not going to reliably be able to execute on a plan to make this happen. She, on the other hand, was a great planner. So she decided the dynamic could simply be that she would issue invitations. Every time she issued invitations, her family happily accepted. Thus they spent time together. If she hadn’t issued the invitations, they wouldn’t. Seeing each other was the better outcome.

Now on some level, this isn’t fair. But I think it’s important to recognize that planning get-togethers and activities is a skill. Most likely (since you are reading this), you are much better at this than other people. That has nothing to do with whether other people love you or want to spend time with you. Lots of people love social time but just aren’t good at executing on this desire. Or maybe people have constraints in their homes or budgets that make it difficult for them to reciprocate hospitality. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable in the role of host. And some people just don’t think about it. Their gifts lie in other domains.

Perhaps you can see this. You have a friend who makes you laugh every time you get together. You have a friend who makes you feel like you can conquer the world. These are great attributes, even if these people never say “hey, want to meet me for lunch while we’re both working from home on Friday?”

Don’t play invitation chicken

If you love these people, you’re better off accepting this reality. Rather than getting discouraged because you feel that you are always doing the inviting, or worse, playing a game of invitation chicken where you wait to see how long it will be until your friend or loved one suggests a concrete plan, just relax. Understand that this dynamic where you do the planning doesn’t mean you love your friends and family more than they love you. If people keep accepting your invitations, then they want to see you. And if you genuinely want to see them, you are better off not entertaining the thought that they are lazy freeloaders. So don’t.

Now of course, if you find yourself making a lot of invitations to someone who usually declines without suggesting an alternative, you might consider letting a little more time pass between invitations. The person may have other things going on right now. So, maybe best to look elsewhere when you’re suggesting ideas for fun.

But if your invitations are usually accepted, then keep them coming. If you and your loved ones enjoy getting together, and if you’re willing to make the arrangements, all is well. Plan away. You’ll probably both be glad you did.