Archive for October 17th, 2008

(Author’s note: Another “I would like to find a home for this research” article/essay idea that could work for a parenting publication)

My husband and I both work full-time, and he travels frequently for business. Consequently, we exchange a lot of “bye-byes” with our 17-month-old son. The experience can be drastically different day to day. Sometimes he races off — shrieking with joy — to play on his daycare’s playground. Other days, he cries and clings to our legs. He’s too young to say what he’s thinking. But of course, we wonder. Does he feel differently when we leave for a day of work, or when we leave for a multi-day trip? Does he feel differently when one parent disappears than if both do? How does this change over time?

New research, much of it done at the University of Miami’s daycare centers, is showing fascinating things.

Babies perceive different people — and notice your absence — much earlier than generally thought. Infants are “very sophisticated creatures,” says Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami’s Department of Pediatrics. “They don’t have a whole repertoire to show you except crying, cooing and closing their eyes, but they do notice these things.” Within four hours of birth, baby’s heart rate responds differently to her mother than it does to anyone else. The University of Miami’s daycare center accepts infants as young as one month; researchers there observed that children acted more distressed when their mothers dropped them off than when their fathers did. When a mother left for a few days to go to a conference, her baby would become aware of her extended absence, and start exhibiting symptoms of depression. That said…

Baby’s reaction to your leaving is driven by your reaction. One of the big reasons infants didn’t complain when their fathers dropped them off, says Field, is that mothers and fathers left differently. “Mothers lingered around and were very reassuring — redundant with their reassuring,” she says. “Fathers very cavalierly left, saying ‘I’ll see you at 5 o’clock.’” Infants rose to the assumption that they’d do fine on their own. Also, moms make extended absences more traumatic by their own actions. “A baby would know whether her mother was going off for a few hours or going off to a conference by the way the mother acted,” Field says. If you cry, baby responds in kind.

interesting finding: If you’re traveling for several days, you may be better off leaving baby with your parents than your husband. If one parent leaves, the remaining parent often acts anxious. It’s stressful parenting solo! Baby picks up on that. Grandparents, on the other hand, are often more excited and happy to be taking care of the child when a parent is gone, which baby also notices.

Regardless of what you do, though, remember that…

Children are extremely resilient. The first time a mother goes away overnight, baby may show signs of depression, and even reject her mother when she returns — briefly. But “it’s not something that’s a chronic wound,” Field says.  “Kids get used to it.” Just like adults, babies notice separations. They don’t like them — just as we don’t like being apart from our loved ones. But, over time, they, and we, learn to cope.